UNTAMED
Glennon Doyle
I wanted to share some ideas with you all that I got from the last book I read. That book blew me away a little. I’m talking about UNTAMED, written by Glennon Doyle. It was published in March 2020. It’s about (especially) women and how women are not untamed, but tamed and how they have forgotten about their wild hearts. What does this mean? We live in a culture (worldwide) where a lot of things are determined for us: how we should behave and what we should do, how we are supposed to feel, how we should look, what we should believe, who we should love and what we should want. Sometimes it is not quite clear anymore which thoughts belong to ourselves and which thoughts are imposed on us by our traditional values and norms, our culture, our religion and by other people.
Glennon is giving us a very thought-provoking example from her own life. From a very young age on, she knew that she found women infinitely more attractive than men. But still she married a man and stayed with him for 11 years, because this was the ‘right’ thing to do. Objectively seen, she had a good marriage and she had no reason to complain, but something kept gnawing in her mind. One day she looked at her daughter who was asking her a question and she realised that she stayed in the marriage for her daughter, although she would never want this kind of marriage for her. She realised that her daughter would copy her behaviour, so the best thing a parent (and no matter what other person) can do, is being a role model, a mirror. She realised she had to show and teach her daughter self-love and self-compassion, so she would copy these. Actions mean more than words. She decided then, after falling head over heels in love with a woman, to leave the marriage and choose her ‘wild heart’ after all these years, even though it meant that she had to let her whole world crumble and she had to burn a lot of bridges.
For Glennon, this is where the biggest problem lies: from early childhood women hear what is good and right behaviour, what a decent woman should do. The biggest compliments a woman can get, is that she’s quiet, obedient, polite, friendly, not standing out. The biggest compliment a mother can get is that she’s selfless. Society praises women who lose themselves completely, who obliterate themselves, who don’t give in to their own longings and desires, their own dreams, their own imagination. We live in a time, a tradition, a system where women distrust themselves and they think that they will hurt other people when they give in to everything that will make them excited and happy and what allows them to further develop themselves. Glennon says our culture is benefiting from this control and power over women. Power can be maintained when the masses are convinced that an idea is right and when people ultimately start to distrust themselves and control themselves. Early on, women learn that they are not allowed to want too much and that they have to hide who they really are. They believe their own desires, dreams and wishes to be dangerous and bad. If women would be who they really are, the power balance in the world would be at risk. There would be more equality, there would be less corruption and societies would look completely different. I agree…
After reading this book, I started to think about Indian society where I have been living for over a year. I think it’s very clear that women are controlled here. Often marriages are arranged, women need to take care of their husband and children and they get up 3 or 4 hours before they start their jobs (if they have jobs) to cook (and they cook fresh every day, so it takes hours), clean the house, arrange everything for husband and children and serve everyone in the household continuously. If they have a job, then the work continues after they return home. If they don’t have a job, then often they sit at home, getting bored after finishing the household chores, because often they are not allowed to do any fun things and they cannot leave the house for other tasks than grocery shopping. They wait until everybody returns home and then the serving can start all over again. Going out with friends is no option, life is revolving around close family only. The man often decides what the woman can and cannot do. When a man is unfaithful or the arranged marriage has started under false pretences, then it’s again the woman who is punished. She can never marry someone else again without being judged by society. Also when the man hits the woman, she will be the one who is to blame, he must have had a good reason. Not every family is like this of course, I want to make this clear. But it is also clear that there is a very strict power balance keeping people under control and in check.
There is one big question I’ve been asking myself though. In India this power (im)balance is clear, but is it that different in western countries (like Europe and the US)? How many mothers in our western ‘civilised’ cultures obliterate themselves too? How many mothers and women have I heard mentioning things like: I'm so tired, but I shouldn't take rest, because I have to entertain my children, I shouldn't take art classes, because who will cook when I'm not there, I shouldn't sit down for a moment and relax, because I have to iron a stack of clothes, I can't go to sleep yet, because I have to finish this work? The list keeps going. Also in western societies there is a lot more playing under the surface, but I think we are not sufficiently aware of this. Many women are bound by the shoulds, musts and not alloweds and they don't even question it, it's just normal. They have gotten used to the fact that they have completely sacrificed themselves, their lives and their personalities and many women slowly lose their identity, until only the part of mother, wife, partner or any other one-sided identity is left. They have forgotten who they are, what they really feel and what they really desire. Like Glennon says: They forgot how to know what they want when they learned how to please others. They don't remember anymore how to put themselves first. It is high time that we learn again how to put ourselves first.
To me it would be wonderful if we would all be able to follow our ‘wild hearts’ and to be our completely authentic and vulnerable selves. The world would be a better place with much less judgment, because everybody could learn to love themselves more. We need to break out of our cages without waiting for other people's permission. We need to find the courage to live our own lives, no matter what other people think or say. The ones that love you, will stay and support you. The ones who don't, will leave, but you won't miss them. It's better not to have them in your life anyway. We all deserve the life we want to imagine for ourselves.
I will give you some quotes from the book, some thought-provoking ideas.
“We forgot how to know what is right for us when we learned how to please others. Once we learn it’s impossible to please the world, we can become free to learn how to please ourselves first.”
“There is no blueprint for being the perfect woman or human being. We shouldn’t ask what is right or wrong, but we should ask what is true and beautiful for ourselves.”
“Being brave is doing what you know and feel is brave for you and it can be the opposite of what others are telling you. Going against a crowd that pressures you, is bravery. True confidence in yourself, loyalty to self.“
“What is better: uncomfortable truth or comfortable lies. Every truth is a kindness, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Every untruth is an unkindness, even if it makes others comfortable.”
“We only control what we don’t trust. We can either control or love, but we can’t do both. Love is the opposite of control, love demands trust.”
“There is no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent. What if love is not the process of disappearing for the beloved but of emerging for the beloved? What if a mother’s responsibility is teaching her children that love does not lock the lover away but frees her? What if a responsible mother is not one who shows her children how to slowly die but how to stay wildly alive until the day she dies? What if the call of motherhood is not to be a martyr but to be a model? Children don’t need to be saved by their mother, they need to watch the mother save herself.”
And finally, because no story is complete without highlighting the other side too:
“Boys are in cages too. Traits like mercy, tenderness, softness, quietness, kindness, humility, uncertainty, empathy, connection are considered feminine. But that doesn’t exist, only human traits exist.”
